White House Releases New Study

White House Disclosure: We Are Smarter Than You


In a statement released last evening, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs discussed details of a White House study which purportedly proves that the Obama Administration is, in fact, smarter than you. In his comments, which came as no surprise to many around the nation, Gibbs lists Ivy League degrees, Inside the Beltway Experience, and Sound Rhetoric as three key factors which have, now officially, ended the discussion about who truly knows what is best for you.

Reaction to the report thus far has been basically a non-event. Small business owner Horatio Owens remarked, “Ya, we pretty much new they thought this the whole time, what with the take over of the economy via healthcare, energy policy, tax increases and the like. I’m just shocked they would actually admit it.”

Admit it, they did. The study, which collected data over the past two years from a variety of sources at the economical cost of only $17 million dollars and change, goes on to state that the Administration feels it owes the American people something, and will do everything possible to make sure they make as many decisions for us as possible. Thereby eliminating, to a great extent, the need to make important decisions about our own well being, and preventing the risk of failing on our own.

Janet Planis, director of the White Guilt Association of American History, expressed her admiration of the announcement. “We are thrilled that the president would even think of taking the time and effort to coordinate all of this on our behalves. WGAAH believes that this will only help all of us attain equal good results in our lives. Why should all be making decisions about what we eat, where we work and where our kids go to school, when the government can do it all at once? What an efficient time saver!”

White House budget analysts are already claiming upwards of 5 million more jobs which could be saved if, for instance, the government would just be nice enough to assign each of us a job, and then invest our income for us.

Gibbs goes on to say, “Of course, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and the nutty Tea Party will be up in arms over this but, unfortunately for all of them, the numbers do not lie. We are in fact smarter than you, and therefore much more qualified to make decisions on your behalf.”

Of course, like any rational plan, an individual may opt out of this program, set to take effect in fiscal 2012. There will be a small transaction fee, most likely in the ball park of 68% of adjusted gross income to cover the costs and risks associated with your foolhardy decisions.

Various think tanks have already begun checking the data, and the bipartisan Kaelin Institute has a report due out early next week which analyses all of the information. That report will be published exclusively on PedanticPolitics.com as soon as it becomes available.