Posted by: Alrek Larsen - PP Vancouver Bureau Chief
As the 2010 Winter Olympics are now in full swing, some noticeable trends have started to take shape. The American Olympic team has medaled for the first time in a number of events, including Nordic Combined, and has amassed 8 total medals in Alpine skiing thus far. The Vancouver games have left us on the edge of our seats and made us expect the unexpected.
Amongst the biggest surprises has been the performance of the Chinese and Japanese Women’s Curling teams. In what has historically been a notoriously euro-centric sport, these two countries have taken the next step.
Both the Chinese and Japanese women defeated the United States, and the Chinese are headed to the semi-finals. Tangentially, have you seen the Russian women curlers?! How hot is that chick on the right?
One amazing takeaway is that, in fact, the US, Ireland nor Germany leads the world in every sport you can perform at an Olympic level while actively consuming beer. Equally astounding is the idea that the Chinese and Japanese women could be so outstanding at curling, yet still drive like absolute fucking morons.
Not surprisingly, researchers have already begun studying this phenomenon with interesting results. A Kaelin Institute study observing driving patterns in 12 US cities has found that Asian women typically drive at the identical speed of the average curling rock.
Making this argument much more compelling is the recent performance of the South Korean short track speed skaters who were involved in a much less surprising high speed crash, despite their obstacle free position on the track.
National Traffic Safety Board spokesman William Durnquist likens it to something we are all much more familiar with. “Its like being stopped at a green light behind a 2001 Nissan Sentra. Curling’s frequent stops, starts and needlessly complicated rules correlate directly with the typical Asian woman’s inability to make a right on red.”
What makes this such an anomaly is the precise knowledge of angles, cause and effect, and precision planning which goes into being a world class curler. How could this be found in the same DNA as a people who historically can not get a Toyota Tercel to accelerate over 20 mph even with a faulty drivers side floor mat.
Stay tuned to PedanticPolitics for further updates as more studies are released in regards to the Asian curling dominance over the notoriously better driving nations like the United States, Great Britian and Russia.
